Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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