she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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