pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
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When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
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Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was