dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
