Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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