White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
