Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Randomize
