his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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