Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
