just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
