You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
