Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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