Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
