You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
