i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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