Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i now understand why vodka
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
