Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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