I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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