Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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