Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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