I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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