Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
