i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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