At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
