i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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