I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You ruined the universe
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
