i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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