What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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