I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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