Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
