she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
