I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
