Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
