May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
