Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
