I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
