My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
