So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
