If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
