What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
