Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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