i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
