I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
