Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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