the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
