eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
