The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She tied me up with her honor cords...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Drunk is a universal language darling
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