Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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