i already hear my dad disowning me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will be naked everywhere
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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