piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
