you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
