I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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