The maid of honor just puked.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
