i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
