Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
