My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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