I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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