I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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